a few things we will and will not miss about china

Will not miss:

All the Chinese people, even cute teenage girls and cuter old women, hacking and spitting huge glops of phlegm everywhere.

Split pants - I think I had mentioned these infernal inventions before. Basically, they're little kids' pants but with a long split through them right from the top of the butt crack to just over the pubis, and just about every baby and small child in China wears them. This means that you not only get to look at every baby's and small child's private areas as you walk around, but you also frequently get to watch them peeing and pooping right along the sidewalk or into street drains or, as previously noted, onto sheets of newspaper in the park. This is, after all, the whole point of the split. You also get to see things like dads carrying their kids - in split pants - on their shoulders, the tikes' nether regions nicely smushed up against the back of poppa's neck.

Waiting for our rice to be served. For some reason, even though China is a country of rice eaters, whenever you're in a restaurant and you order rice, the wait staff will never bring it to you until you almost literally harass them for it. Everything you ordered will come right from the kitchen as it is finished, but the rice - even if there is a big rice cooker readily apparent, sitting right next to your table - will not be served unless you beg!

Seeing pictures of turtle soup on retaurant menus. Also, seeing dog, snake, worm, duck tongue, intestines, balls, tendons, webs, etc. on menus.

The hard-as-fuck beds.

Being shoved and shouldered by random passers-by on crowded streets and subways - the only plus being that you get to do it back to them or to other people without compunction.

Random Chinese people staring at you. Staring and pointing aren't considered impolite in China, but big facial expressions and gesticulation are, apparently. And since Maya and I are not only white foreigners, but I'm a tattooed "walking freakshow" (as Maya has described me) and she is constantly making faces and gesturing with her hands, arms, and whole body, sometimes it has felt like we can't go anywhere without all the locals staring at us - which gets old fast.

Crossing streets through a chaotic torrents of taxis, auto-rickshaws, buses, bicycles, motocycles, etc. which requires us to walk out into traffic, tackling one rushing lane at a time, and try not to flinch when a vehicle passes within inches of our bodies. (This will get much much worse in Southeast Asia, though, so I guess it's good practice).

A particular will-not-miss of Maya's - watching Chinese women squatting and peeing/shitting. Many of the public bathrooms in China, sometimes even those in nice restaurants, are not only Asian squat toilets, but each hole in the floor doesn't have proper walls around it or a door in front of it. I'm still successfully evading the squat toilets all together, but Maya doesn't even have that option, which means that she has ended up in some uncomfortable situations. I'll let her elaborate: "I'll just describe the weirdest one, but there were definitely a couple others worthy of retelling. One afternoon we went to a moderately fancy restaurant, and when I went to the restroom I fully expected it to have actual stalls with doors and walls and such, if not western-style toilets. Instead, I encountered our waitress squatting over an Asian toilet with only a small subdivider separating it from the only other toilet. So I squatted, and the subdivider turned out to be so small (in both height and width) that my face stuck out beyond it - and right next to that of the waitress (who was there apparently for the long haul). I was feeling extremely uncomfortable, but she just gave me a blase look then stared ahead, while I couldn't even concentrate on peeing at that point, but since I really needed to go, I closed my eyes and my ears and pretended I was in my happy place (which, at that moment, was my bathroom at home)."

All the scam artists, street vendors, and rickshaw drivers harassing us endlessly (though this too will only get much, much worse once we get to Southeast Asia) just because we're white and presumably rich.


Will miss:

Tea (autumn pear for me, ginger for Maya) and toast with blueberry jam every morning at the cafe, called either Dessert in Cafe or Sweet and Bitter (there are 2 signs outside - it's confusing) down the street from the 7 Days Inn.

The chicken and green papaya soup at Jiang Jiu Yun Nan Restaurant right across the street from the 7 Days Inn. We've eaten this shit almost every other day for the last couple weeks, and it will be our last meal in Beijing.

Subway rides for 2 yuan - approx. 30 cents.

Chinese metal and punk bands. And their fans, headbanging in group hugs and skipping "Ring Around the Rosie"-style.

Chinese young people's crazy hairdo's - awesome 80s-style mullets, weird grey-blue dye-jobs, ridiculous bleached blonde, sky-high pompadours, puffy afro's, and the sort of huge, frizzy curls that have been the bane of Maya's existence but in China are highly coveted and proudly worn by stylish teens (guys and girls).

Renting a motor boat and driving, rocking, drinking, and relaxing on the lake right in our 7 Days neighborhood.

Random Chinese people walking around in their pajamas at all hours.

Random Chinese people playing games in the middle of the sidewalk at all hours - badminton, jumping rope, hula hoop, hacky sack, cards, etc. Also, random Chinese people dancing in the middle of the sidewalk: Three nights in a row last week we ran into a group of old ladies in our 'hood, performing some kind of Tai Chi-like fan dance while walking in a circle to drony Chinese music buzzing from a small boombox.

Our whole 7 Days neighborhood, which really is, based on our time in China, the best 'hood in Beijing - it's got plenty to do, good places to eat and drink, a rock club, a metal record store, lots of toy stores, ceaselessly fascinating back alleys, a gorgeous lake, but it also has families and old folks around who keep the vibe chill and comfortable.

The random kindness and genuine smiles of the otherwise gruff populace. These are so much more meaningful in a country where they seem to be so rare.

All the awesome English translations on signs and menus! Some of them were so hilarious as to induce instant laughing fits. Example (on an entrance sign to the Ancient Observatory): "Half price admission for children under 1 meter tall, and deformed man."

Text-message updates on the bloody ghost.

Hanging with Eveline.

And now we fly out to Vietnam, where hopefully we will find many more things to miss.